Truth Inside a Dream

The feelings and emotions a dream can bring forth are beyond that of any other, for better or worse. The only thing I despise about dreams is that they have to end, and I have to open my eyes to the bitter reality of my life. The chance to make my dreams a reality has flown by, for I have made far too many mistakes that destroyed the integrity of my future. People now have different expectations for me. No longer am I the caring, nice guy, now I’m viewed as unstable and unreliable. I do not blame anyone for viewing me this way. It is, after all, ultimately my fault that I am where I am today.

I do not live in poverty, nor am I uneducated or physically unhealthy (for the most part,) but my problem lies in my mentality. I feel as if my mind is a sinking ship lost in a remote and shady ocean. I fear that soon this ship will be nothing more than a forgotten, rusting wreck.

I have spent much time reflecting on the mistakes of my past, yet it seems that instead of learning from them, I’m using them to sulk and make myself feel even worse. I have tried writing optimistically, and even creating a blog just for optimistic thoughts, but all I am doing is covering up how I really feel with fake words and actions. I don’t even know myself anymore. I feel as if I’m diluting slowly away from anything related to happiness or hope.

Hope used to be a big part of my life, and subsequently, that was a big part of the mistake. I would hope and dream and trust that things would get better to only have those hopes and dreams crash down upon me time and time again. What is really worth believing in? That is a question that I desperately need the answer for.

Memories of all the horrible things I have done, coupled with all the times I have been let down, let others down, and let myself down, ruin any chance of tranquility or peace of mind. Maybe I am just rambling, but what really sparked the idea for me to write this was a dream- a dream that made me feel as if I knew what I really wanted in life. For fear that certain others might read this, I will not disclose the details of the dream. All I can really say is that it was a magical moment of affection with a significant other. I know that the moment portrayed in my dream will never happen, which is very demoralizing in my eyes. It hurts me (and anyone I’m sure) to vision something so great, knowing that it was only a dream.

However, this was more than a vision to me. A dream is a series of mental images and emotions occurring
during sleep, and let me tell you, I felt the emotion. I felt another person caring for me affectionately, and at that moment, I was happy. So, in turn, I realized that I need someone- someone to care for me, someone to hold me in times of hardship, someone to lift my head up when my mind is weighed down with stress, and most importantly, I need someone to love and to be loved myself.

Some say that you are the only person that can change the outcome of your future, but that’s not always true (like in my case.) Everyone is different. Does this make me weak? Possibly, but I’m not going to change who I am just to be the stereotypical tough guy. I cry when I am sad, I sulk when I am depressed, and I laugh when I hear something funny. Sticks and stones may break my bones, and words hurt me too. I’m only human.

I don’t expect for a princess to ride along on a majestic unicorn to come steal my heart, but I do need to start thinking about how to build strong relationships and how to learn from my mistakes instead of basking in them. I am still fairly young, but this young heart can’t stand being alone. Again, it’s just who I am. I have to take the wheel and drive towards happiness. (Laguna Beach, here I come.) But seriously, I just need to have patience. I can’t expect to be handed my hopes and dreams on a silver platter (or atop a majestic unicorn.) Things don’t happen like they do on movies or TV. There’s usually not going to be a magical sequence of events that leads someone to true happiness. It will take work from me, work from my friends, and work from a significant other. With these things combined, I think that it is possible for me to be happy.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know this entire time I’ve been talking about myself, but I promise I’m not selfish. I enjoy making others happy and seeing joy on my friend’s faces, but there is a realization that everyone eventually has to make. It’s not all about other people. You have to prioritize your wellbeing over the wellbeing of others. You can’t fix everything and you can’t save everyone. You can, however, do great things for others while still looking out for yourself. Don’t live up to the expectations of others just because of peer pressure or stereotyping- live for your own wants and needs (as long as they are of pure morality.) When you give up the ability to make your own decisions, you almost lose yourself entirely. You are an individual. Make the choices that strengthen who you are, so that you may have the strength to help others in the long run.

Yes, I know, I went from writing about how I have screwed up my own life, to preaching about how to live a great life. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I just wanted to relay my thoughts and feelings of my current situation, while discussing how I, or anyone else, can turn that situation around into something great. Who knows, and only time will tell if I am able to reach true happiness. I still don’t know what to believe in, but I know that if I lose sight of my hopes and dreams, that will be the end of me.

I know this website is called optimistic thought, but it’s impossible to be optimistic all of the time, and realistically it is good to rationalize a balance between optimism and pessimism. Just know where you stand and try to stay on your feet.

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams go, life is a barren field, frozen with snow.”

~Langston Hughes